“Guess Who?” said the face on the Turin Shroud.

The Shroud of Turin is the subject of intense debate among scientists, people of faith, historians, and writers regarding where, when, and how the shroud and its images were created. Some believe the shroud is the cloth that covered Jesus when he was placed in his tomb and that his image was recorded on its fibers at or near the time of his resurrection. Skeptics, on the other hand, contend the shroud is a medieval forgery. Others attribute the forming of the image to chemical reactions or other natural processes. Recent evidence, however, suggests that the image may be that of the late British comedian, Benny Hill.

About Benny Hill:  Alfred Hill was born in Southampton, where he attended Tauntons School. During the Second World War Hill was evacuated to East Way, Bournemouth where he was seduced, at the age of thirteen, by his fortyish guardian-cum-flute instructor, Mrs. Y. After becoming proficient in the American-educated Mrs. Y’s curriculum, Hill left the middle-aged educator and set out to make his mark in show business. For the stage, he changed his first name to ‘Benny’, in homage to his favourite comedian, Jack Benny. Following a serious drinking session at the Red Lion Inn on Good Friday, March 1948, at a Masonic diner in Israel, Hill tumbled downhill through a patch of poison oak while attempting to unzip his fly to take a leak. As a practical joke, members of the Italian tarantella troupe of “Pasta and Fazul,” lathered his entire body with Tiger Balm, wrapped him in 40 yards of linen and threw him into the Tomb of Joseph of Aramethea. Several hours later while P and F were getting it on with some local neighbors and barn animals, Hill squeezed his still-unwrapped self out from behind a large-sized stone near the entrance and, shouted at the top of his voice, “Guess Who!” much to the consternation of the human contingent of the ménage a dit. Upon seeing the near dozen scatter, Hill was heard to say: “Laugh, I thought my shroud would never dry.” Source: Leesopedia, Volume 19: “One Hundred Things to Do With a Tit.”

Alexander pouting after Hephaiston had grown a moustache.

Alexander the Great, known by his closest friends a Αλέξανδρος ο Μέγας or AM-PM, conquered most of the world known to the ancient Greeks. Hannibal, who crossed the Alps in 218 BC, took great comfort in knowing that Alexander, who died in 323 BC, would never know that Hannibal crossed the Alps with eleven elephants but that none of the offspring survived. One can only speculate as to whether Hannibal had read of Alexander’s crossing of the Hindu Kush 110 years earlier or his Treatise on the Care and Feeding of Pachyderms.

About Hephaestion: Hephaestion was a closet (sic) friend of Alexander, who called him ‘my Patroclus’ (the friend of Achilles) and, on other occasions ‘my filos Giatros Loukaniko’ (the friend of Doctor Salami). His services were rewarded in 324 BC with a golden crown and marriage to Alexander’s sister-in-law Drypetis, the Empire’s culinary seer and owner of 90 percent of the bean fields across Macedonia and all of northwestern Iran. He died suddenly in the same year at Ecbatana, the capital of ancient Media, of terminal flatulence. His body exploded while being cremated in Babylon on a huge pyre designed by the architect Deinocrates and a temple built in his honour was destroyed. Source: The Leesopedia “Hephaestion: Above and Behind the Call of Duty.”